(Pre-Launch Preview!) Repacking, Adapting, and Unconditional Positive Regard
Ideas in your inbox for reducing work anxiety—for yourself and others
Read Time: 6 mins
Officially Launching in January 2025—Please enjoy this preview to see if you are interested in subscribing!
Sunday (without the) Scaries is a monthly newsletter in 3 parts:
How to Stay? answers real questions from my inbox on how to manage your work-related stress so you can avoid another job search
Managing Up offers practical steps to perfect the art of managing your manager for a better relationship and less anxiety
Manage like a Therapist provides tips on being a trauma-informed manager—because Sundays don't have to be scary for your team either
Question from the inbox:
My workload is overwhelming me and I'm starting to feel burnt out. I want to bring this up with my manager, but I’m really worried I’ll look like I can't handle my job. How do I start the conversation?
Before we think about approaching your manager, let’s start with a quick exercise I call Repacking Your Backpack.
Find a comfortable spot, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Imagine yourself walking down a path, carrying a heavy backpack. Feel the weight of it on your shoulders. Now, picture arriving at a clearing where you can sit down, open your backpack, and start taking out rocks of all shapes and sizes. Each rock represents a task or burden you’re carrying—maybe a small, smooth rock symbolizes a personal project you enjoy, while a heavy, jagged one represents a big presentation you’re worried about. Take your time acknowledging what each one represents as you place them on the ground around you.
Once you’ve laid out all your rocks, choose just three that you want to repack into your backpack. When you put the backpack back on, how does it feel? Imagine leaving the other rocks behind as you continue down the path, feeling a little lighter.
Were you able to feel your overwhelm lightening a bit? This exercise can help us self-align with our top priorities before bringing anyone else into the conversation.
Now, let’s think about your manager. I understand your concerns about how they might perceive you—it’s natural to worry that you could come across as unable to handle everything. But remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Here’s a way to reframe the conversation: instead of focusing on how overwhelmed you’re feeling, focus on aligning your priorities (the rocks you repacked) and what you’ll deprioritize (the rocks you left behind) with your manager. This positive approach shows that you’re committed to making the most of your time and energy.
You could try saying something like:
"I want to make sure I’m focusing my efforts on our top priorities. Can you help me confirm that these are the right ones: Priority 1, Priority 2, Priority 3? I’d like to set aside Priority 4 and Priority 5 for a future focus."
By framing it this way, you’re making it quick and easy for your manager to agree while also leaving room for a collaborative conversation if they have different ideas about the top priorities. You’re not just highlighting a problem—you’re bringing a solution and inviting their input.
If you’re still worried about what your manager might be thinking, you might consider sharing that feeling openly. For example, you could say:
"Can I share something I’m feeling a bit vulnerable about? Sometimes when I talk about prioritizing, I worry that it might come across like I’m not able to handle my role. Do you think that’s something you’ve felt?”
This kind of brave conversation can foster a compassionate dialogue and help your manager understand how their responses may be impacting you. Taking these steps shows how much you care about giving your best.
Do you have a question? Reply back to this email and your question will be considered for a future feature.
Have you ever held back a great idea because you’re worried your manager will try to take over every detail? You’re not alone—many people hesitate to pitch initiatives to avoid being micromanaged.
Your manager getting hyper-involved in your work can feel like a lack of trust in your abilities. But in my experience, micromanagement often stems from fear—your supervisor may be feeling insecure about their abilities or anxious about their standing in the company. While there can be other motivators, personal insecurity is a common reason your manager may be looking over your shoulder.
I have an easy technique for presenting ideas in a way that helps your boss feel confident in your leadership, I call it Adapt to Empower. It’s about adapting how you present your ideas to match how your manager best processes information. The goal is to help them feel confident that you’ve addressed their concerns and give them the safe feeling they need to empower you to proceed without their oversight.
Understanding your manager’s preferred way of receiving information is key. Once you unlock this, it can feel like a cheat code for work! It might take a bit of trial and error, but once you find their preferred method, you’ll likely see an improvement in both their confidence in you and your working relationship. You may already know your manager’s preference, but if you’re unsure, try these starting points based on their role:
C-Suite: Create slides to pitch your next idea, focusing on high-level summaries and expected outcomes
VP: Opt for a project plan to show you’ve already considered goals, risks, and key stakeholders
Director: Try a spreadsheet to present your next idea, providing a roadmap of clear steps along with your plan to track success
Manager: Develop a timeline to outline your next idea, detailing how much time you need, when to expect results, and your availability for other tasks
Finding the right approach can make a significant difference in the quality of your communication—which can improve how you’re perceived and how trusted you feel.
When I say, “manage like a therapist,” I don’t mean asking your team about their relationships with their mothers. I’m not saying that won’t come up… but it’s not the point.
About five years ago, I attempted a career pivot and (like all those who are lost) applied to grad school. While going for my master’s degree to become a therapist, I was also working full-time managing teams. To my surprise, every class felt directly applicable to the job I already had! So, I shifted my research focus to the psychology of work, especially the relationship between employees and their managers.
There is a term in psychology for the way therapists approach relationships with their patients called Unconditional Positive Regard. Therapists practicing this commit to an unwavering base level of warmth and kindness, even when holding the patient accountable or giving feedback. It’s a level of respect for the patient’s humanity that the therapist maintains, regardless of what the patient says or does—and being treated this way is so powerful that the “therapeutic relationship” often becomes the most healing part of therapy.
Adopting Unconditional Positive Regard as a manager means committing to a baseline of respect, patience, and warmth you consistently offer your team. So how can you practice this day-to-day? Here are a few ideas:
Before joining a meeting, decide in advance to be positive and present, and commit to sticking with that decision regardless of how the meeting goes
When hosting a brainstorm, remind yourself that brainstorming is about creativity, not perfection. As you hear suggestions, stay supportive, even if the ideas feel unexpected or need refinement
If you start to feel frustrated by a teammate, pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What’s interesting or unique about this situation?” Shifting your mindset to curiosity can turn frustration into an opportunity for deeper understanding
By holding a baseline of care you never fall below, regardless of your stress levels or your team’s performance, you build a foundation of psychological safety that allows them show up fully and give their best. This consistency fosters the trust your team needs to take risks, try, fail, and try again—knowing your support will remain steady.
