Don't turn your positives into negatives
It’s the first Sunday of August, don't worry: there's still time!
Sunday (without the) Scaries is a monthly newsletter in three parts, written especially with managers in mind.
Part 1: How to Stay answers real questions from my inbox about how to reduce anxiety at work, so you can swap leaving for building something better.
Question from the inbox:
I am constantly picking up the slack for my coworkers, I can’t trust them to do what they say they are going to do so I’ve just stopped asking for help and am doing it all on my own. How can I get them to be more reliable?
Great question! I can see you over there, super-achieving, saving the day, and feeling underappreciated. I’ve got two steps to help you get other people’s work off your plate:
Step 1: We’ve got to rip this one off like a band-aid: it’s time to stop doing other people’s work. I know that’s easier said than done, but if no one else is feeling the weight of the work because you’re doing it all, then no one else is going to step in to help.
Step 2: Because you care and don’t want things to fall apart, start getting really specific about the work. Go back to basics: who, what, when, where, why. Instead of a coworker saying “I’ll take care of that” and you cringing silently as everyone moves on because you know they’ll probably forget, get really specific:
“So John is going to launch the survey by the end of the week in Zendesk so we can analyze the data on Monday. Everyone on board?”
Let’s look at what just happened: “So [Who] is going to [What] by [When] in [Where] so we can [Why]. Everyone on board?”
At the end of the week, one of two things will happen. John will either do the work because the expectations set for him were very clear, or John will not do the work and John will have to be responsible for that. What can’t happen is a third thing: you doing the work. That’s a pattern that has to break in order to be able to really understand what the real issue is that’s broken. This is also important because if you are doing someone else’s work, that means you aren’t able to put as much time into your own responsibilities, and your own work is all you’re going to get credit for.
Do you have a question? Ask it anonymously here
Part 2: Managing Up offers practical steps for managing your own manager, for less stress and a more authentic relationship.
How many times are you apologizing in a week? Or a day? Most of the time when I spot an apology in the workplace, I feel like it could have been avoided with a little self-compassion. I want to help you reduce your apology frequency and increase your positive thinking (especially about yourself)!
I see people do this a lot, especially with their managers. They are asked to take something on and they say:
❌ Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get to that today. I’m sorry! I can do it by the end of the week, is that okay?”
Ah! That framing feels so negative when it could be so positive. Imagine the same situation:
✅ Sure, I‘m happy to do that for you! I can get it done by the end of the week if that works for you.
So quickly we’ve turned that negative response into a positive one. I see this happen a lot with bad news as well. Teammates will self-deprecate as they deliver news about a metric or a test gone wrong, rather than taking credit for being the person who realized something was wrong and fixed it!
❌ I have bad news, this thing was wrong. I’ve fixed it, sorry that happened!
✅ I have good news! I figured out this thing was wrong and got it fixed right away.
Now let’s say you really feel the need to apologize, maybe you were supposed to have something ready and forgot or maybe you were having technical difficulties and missed an important call. You feel like you need to say sorry and it’s okay to do that, but let me provide one more alternative route:
❌ I’m so sorry about missing that call. My power went out and I wasn’t able to get my hotspot to work, I feel terrible I missed it and you had to cover last minute!
✅ Thank you for taking care of that meeting today! My power went out and my hotspot wasn’t working, I so appreciate you were able to intervene! You saved the day.
The focus of the apology is about you and how sorry you are. The focus of the thank you message is on the person who covered the meeting for you and how much of a hero they are, which do you think will feel better for them to receive? Framing things as positives isn’t just to make you look good, it also takes away the burden of having to constantly forgive and comfort you from the other person. You should apologize when you’ve actually done something wrong or hurt someone’s feelings, but you might be surprised how often you may be using an apology as a framework for delivering information. Try reframing your message to focus on the positives and see what happens!
Part 3: Manage like a Therapist explores how to be a trauma-informed manager, because Sundays shouldn't be scary for your team either.
One big misconception about therapists is that they will tell you what to do and give you direct advice, but what they actually tend to do is challenge you to think differently and find the right path for yourself. Their goal is not for you to rely on them, but to teach you to be able to independently work through issues without them.
In management, we naturally need to do a little more directing, but there’s still plenty of room for us to learn to advise less, and listen and prompt more.
If a teammate comes to you with a problem, the quickest route may be to fix it for them. But, if they have that problem again, the only solution they’ve learned so far is to bring it to you. If you take time to teach them how to work through the problem, then the next time it comes up, they can try to do that same work without you.
Let’s look at an example:
A Team Lead comes to you with an issue, one of their Sales Reps keeps promising clients features that don’t exist. They are making great sales, but the clients aren’t happy once they’re onboarding. You might know exactly how you would handle this, but instead of giving advice, let’s help the Team Lead find their own path. You might ask:
Why do you think the Sales Rep is doing that and do you think they are aware they are doing it?
Do you think they need additional training on product features or might be feeling too much pressure from their quarterly goals?
What has worked before with this sales rep when you needed them to make a change?
How do you think you could approach them about this without demotivating them?
Your Team Lead may find a completely different direction than you would have taken, but that doesn’t make it the wrong path. You can help guide them away from mistakes, but teaching them how to find their own approach is the difference between being a manager and a mentor.
